I've found my silver lining.

First thing's first, I went to the doc for my post-op this morning and everything looks good with the pathology.  Initial reports suggest that it was a "missed abortion" (basically, a delayed or silent miscarriage) rather than a molar pregnancy.  But, I have to call back in about to week to get final results.  So, that's good news right now!

Anyway, I've always been the type to think "everything happens for a reason".  I truly believe this and have always tried to look for the reasons whether I blindly make them up to make myself feel better or if a reason blatantly reveals itself weeks, months or years later.  So, with this whole miscarriage thing, I knew there had to be a reason and maybe we would figure it out eventually.  But, within the last two weeks, I've found my silver lining of this dark cloud.  I feel normal again.  Back to Chrissi.  I honestly haven't felt this good about life, myself, my marriage, my husband, my future, etc since before Max was born.  I'm not sure if this shift was just coincidental or if it was really scientific/hormonal.  I asked my doc about it this morning and came close to balling my eyes out in pure joy that I feel back to my old self.  It's such a relief.  As many of you know, I had a tough time emotionally after Max was born but I never crossed that "Brooke Shields Line" as my doctor calls it.  So, I just kind of accepted that having a young child is hard and it weighs on you and your life kind of comes to a standstill for a couple years.  Then, I got pregnant and figured this is just how it was going to be for a couple MORE years.  Ugh.  So, I'm going to be totally honest and say that I wasn't 100 percent excited to be pregnant again.  Yes, we were trying and yes, we always wanted our kids two years apart.  But, damn, this shit is hard.  So, when the miscarriage happened, it was (I'm cringing as I type this) kind of a relief.  Then, when I had my procedure after the miscarriage and my hormones went back to normal, I thought, "oh my God, my life is back".  I actually feel like wearing something a little sexier than yoga pants every day now and not having my hair in a pony tail all the time.  I'm putting on pretty bras that I haven't worn since Max was born.  I actually feel like laying with my husband on the couch without worrying that I'm going to have to turn any of his advances down ONE MORE TIME, which is definitely not like the "old me".  (sorry Mom and Dad that you have to read that haha).  I'M BACK BABY!!!!!!!  And, I know Christian has to be so relieved to no longer be living with a bitch who is constantly annoyed with him.  Let's just hope this sticks.  haha

So anyway, I asked my doctor about this today.  I said, look, my son is 18 months and I'm just now starting to feel like a normal person and I feel like over all, all is right in my world.  Is this kind of standard or was I just effed up?  haha  He said it could have definitely been that this miscarriage kind of threw my body for a loop and then kind of knocked everything back into normal range.  Or, it could just be a coincidence.  He said a lot of women have issues during the first year after having a baby and sometimes it just lasts longer.  He told me to revel in this feeling and take advantage of it.  I told him that this newfound glory kind of makes me scared to get pregnant again because I don't want to go back to that emotional place.  So, he suggested maybe take six months off from thinking about expanding our family.  I'm down with that.  Christian and I have talked about when we think we might be ready again and it's kind of a que sera sera thing.  So, we'll see what happens, how things go, etc.  But, for now, I'm taking this and running with it.  Max is at such a cool age and is such an awesome kid.  He's great for any babysitter and plays so well.  That being said, I'm going to try and use sitters more often so I can get out and do things on my own and Christian and I can have more dates (once he gets back in the States next month).

I wanted to share this information.  I know some of you may think I'm bat-shit crazy for being such an open book but I think honesty is the best quality when it comes to being a mom.  It's so politically correct to say that everything is great and that being a mom is the most amazing thing in the world.  And, with Facebook, every new mom is always in pure bliss, right?  Frankly, I want to slap everyone of those new moms who post nothing but amazing stuff because all it is is FALSE ADVERTISEMENT.  In reality, it's hard, really hard.  It changes your life.  It humbles you and makes you realize that you are no longer the most important thing in your life.  But, you also have to remember that you are important.  Take care of yourself.  Do things for yourself.  If you feel like shit all the time, do something about it (medically, naturally or in whatever way you feel necessary).  I'm not going to be a hypocrite and say "go hire a sitter/family member to keep the baby/kid for x amount of time each week" because I'm JUST NOW getting comfortable with someone other than my husband or mom watching Max.  So, I can't offer that advice since I've never taken it myself.  But, I will admit, once you are comfortable with it, it's quite amazing.  ;-)

So, now I'm going to go sit down and have a nice, quiet lunch all by myself since Max is napping.  Otherwise, I'd be scarfing down a microwaved leftover piece of pizza while begging a defiant toddler to take "two more bites" of his lunch.  Enjoy your day!  And, hang in there, mommas.

Chrissi