A few nights ago, Christian and I were watching the show Undercover Boss. It's a little cheesy but, it's a feel good show, none-the-less. Anyway, we watched the one where the CEO of Checker's (fast food restaurant) was the "undercover boss". If you're unfamiliar with this show, here's what typically happens: the big boss of whatever company goes undercover/in disguise to several different locations of the business and acts like a trainee. He or she meets the every-day employees of the company and learns the ins and outs of the front lines. At the end, that big boss sits down with those few employees individually and tells them how much they each mean to the company and usually rewards them in some monetary way.
So, for obvious reasons, the end of the show is my favorite part. It's the most "feel good" part. It's the part that gave me somewhat of an "ah hah" moment (yes, that's an Oprah reference) that night. The show proves how important validation and expressed appreciation is. That's why we do most things. We want to be liked, to be appreciated, to be validated in our feelings. I am certainly no stranger to needing appreciation and validation. Words of Affirmation is my Love Language. It's been a black mark in my marriage because, frankly, it's not my husband's Love Language. So, we struggle. I feel unappreciated and then I become resentful. Fortunately, I've learned how and when to communicate my frustrations (sometimes I'm a little more eloquent and thoughtful when expressing those feelings and sometimes, like recently, I'm a bitch. Whatever...).
In the show Undercover Boss, just about every employee the big boss talks to at the end starts crying immediately when they are told how much they mean to the company, to the customers, to the other employees, to the mission. This is all wayyyy before any monetary reward is presented. The money is just kind of the icing on the cake. Like, "you're rocking the shit out of your job... all the stress you endure every day and how you try to appease everyone and how much effort you put into making sure the caulking on these shower doors is perfect... yeah, rockin' that shit... oh, and by the way, we're going to pay off your mortgage". Um, what?! Yeah, I'm just about in tears every single time.
So think back to a time when someone has really, truly told you how much they appreciate you. It doesn't take much for a word of affirmation to affect me. When someone tells me "you're a great mom", I get chills and sometimes I tear up... and sometimes I cry. It depends on the day and how many times I've questioned my parenting abilities. Telling people they're really good at what they have an intense passion for can be potentially life changing and über helpful in the day-to-day monotony. Thanking someone for cooking your dinner, expressing to your spouse how much you appreciate them filling your gas tank, leaving a note on the receipt at a restaurant telling the waiter how great the service was... these things have meaning, a lot of meaning.
Before having kids, when I was working for a consulting firm, they had a wonderful work environment. They really preached the power of positive affirmation. They taught the five to one ratio. For every negative comment or criticism, there need to be five positive comments/affirmations. I did a little bit of research on this and found a few stand out points:
- When discussing how children in classrooms thrived when the ratio was five parts positive feedback to one part corrective feedback: as the positive sank to two parts to one part corrective, and further 1:1, the children's attitude was described as despairing. They also recognized that praise is particularly effective in enhancing learning if it is base on truth.
- It was noted in several studies that marriages were considerably more stable if there were five times as many positive feelings and interactions between husband and wife than negative.
- When discussing a study where two bowling teams watched a video playback of their games. One team had a video that was edited to show only their mistakes, the other showed good performances. Researchers concluded that focusing on the positive helps us to tap into creativity, passion and the desire to succeed and that focusing on the errors was seen to generate feelings of fatigue, blame and resistance.
Now, let's not all go tallying our conversations with our kids and spouses (ain't nobody got time for that). But, start to think about it a bit. For me, the hard thing is practicing what I preach. While my husband's love language is not words of affirmation, if I start expressing my appreciation of the every day things he does, that will most likely enhance the amount of appreciation I receive from him. If it doesn't, then I totally have a reason to be the aforementioned bitch, right? ha!
Well, ok, so you know how when we're raising little ones and when we want them to learn how to do the right thing, whether that be potty training or cleaning up after themselves or finishing their dinner, we tell them what a great, super, fabulous job they've done? Why the hell does that have to stop with adults? I'm saying all of this as in, "why the hell did it have to stop with me?!". I need affirmation. I need appreciation. I know I'm the shit. I just need to hear it from someone else too. This is certainly not a self esteem issue for me, personally. I have never had any self esteem issues... I'm cocky and I get that from my dad. I know I'm pretty awesome. But, I need those who love me to tell me that I'm awesome. I'm smirking as I type this because I know all of that sounds absurd to some people but it's the truth.
Being a mom is a pretty thankless job. Your little ones whine and cry a lot of the day and need you every second. They suck the life out of you (literally in my case with breastfeeding). And until they're around 3 or 4 years old, they don't really understand the concept of saying thank you. Luckily, Max has learned that he is supposed to thank whoever prepared a meal for him. So, I get that just about every day and for that, I'm fortunate. But otherwise, I don't think kids really wise-up as to how important their mother (and/or father) is in their life until they have children of their own. I'm 30 years old now and just within the last five years I've started realizing the sacrifices my parents made for me, especially my mom. Throughout life, the things they gave up on or decided just flat out weren't good ideas because of the kids really mount up. And, as a parent now, it's easy to see how you can kind of let yourself go for the sake of your kids. For me, I have to find a balance in those decisions. I don't do well when I start to lose myself. That's when I start researching therapists because I think i'm losing my effing mind (and yes, I should probably be seeing a therapist anyway but that's not high enough on my priority list right now).
But, all jokes aside, in the end, when you feel appreciated, whether by a child or by a spouse or a friend, for the things that drive you mad, that's just flat out special. Like really, really special. Go and love the world, my people.
"I can live for two months on a good compliment." -Mark Twain
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