Aging gracefully

I look back at the person I was a mere 10 years ago.  I was just 21 years old and I thought I knew so much about life.  I had dated, traveled a bit, been through some pretty tough things and had plans.  I was finishing college and had a good grasp on the business scene in my town.

Since then, I've gotten the jobs that I really wanted, I've met the right people, I've done the right things.  I've found good friends, I married an incredible man, I had beautiful, healthy children, we've lived in beautiful homes, I've traveled Europe and the United States.  I've read a lot, learned a lot and researched a lot.  

But, isn't it funny how no matter what you do, you never quite feel like you've gotten "there".  I'm not even sure what "there" means to me.  What did it mean to me 10 years ago or as a kid?  Is it the perfect American life?  Is it being married and having kids?  Is it owning or building your own home?  Is it selling everything and traveling the world?  Is it helping others?  Is it a relationship with your higher being?  I think, for me, it's a combination of all of the above and it's never a destination of "there" but rather a life journey.  

Turning 30 almost two years ago was such a breath of fresh air.  It was almost a "coming into my own" kind of thing.  My twenties were amazing.  I partied hard, loved hard, traveled a lot, got married, moved to a totally new area of the country and had two precious babies.  I wouldn't trade anything in my twenties.  There's not a single thing I regret.  Not an embarrassing night of drunkenness, not a friendship, not a love, not a breakup, not a move, not a choice, not a job... not one single regret.  I may not have been overly thrilled with every moment, but when you take a step back and look at the totality of your life or the totality of a portion of your life, you can see how much those moments, choices, and people shape the person you are.  

But, my thirties have been so free and open.  There are a couple of things that I've really noticed in my thirties.  I've noticed that I'm more cognizant of my health.  Having babies can wear your body down.  But, it can also make you realize how amazing your body is.  What it's capable of and what you're capable of.  Our bodies are works of absolutely stunning art and we should treat them that way.  If there is a piece of art or furniture or an electronic in your home that you're taking better care of than your body, priorities need to be realigned.  For me, this wasn't just about working out.  I've always been in relatively good shape (minus the college party weight) but I needed something more. It was a whole body thing.  It was working out, finding a tribe of women to encourage me, taking care of my skin, my hair, my nails, my teeth, my mind and so on and so forth.  Having a baby while getting into this swing of things wasn't the easiest, especially since my babies don't really like to sleep through the night until they're at least one-year-old.  But, all of those things have become a priority to me.  I'm working out multiple times a week and most of the time, I have at least one great workout buddy with me that pushes me to go further than my body is telling me.  I buy the good skincare products because my research tells me what's important at my age and I want to keep my skin looking vibrant and minimize the inevitable aging process.  I keep my nails looking nice and most of the time I don't even pay anyone to do it.  I got Invisalign because I've always been bothered by my teeth (even after having braces TWICE as a kid).  And so on....

I've also noticed in my thirties that what people think about me just really doesn't matter.  I don't have any "enemies" and I've never really had any drama (I hate that word) besides the standard high school stuff.  But, the undo pressure we place on ourselves to live up to what others think about what we should do, how we should dress, what we feed our kids, what our house looks like, how we spend our money is just total b.s.  Figuring this out takes some brutal honesty to yourself.  Think about the things you consume your life with.  Are those things you really want to be doing or are those things being done for the sake of someone or something else?  We cannot live true authentic lives if we're living to meet a certain societal standard.  Thinking this through and being mindful of the choices I make for myself, my kids, my family and my business has been life changing.  If someone isn't paying your bills, managing your budget, raising your children, buying your groceries, etc, then they do not matter in terms of how you live your life.  Now, don't go out and be an outright asshole.  But, don't let other people's opinions of you dictate your life.

Grace.  Oh man, the grace that I've learned about is just so beautiful.  Whether you see grace as a Biblical teaching or just a way of life aside from religion, grace is just so, so, so important in our lives.  The Merriam-Webster definition of grace starts off with a more biblical tone: the unmerited divine assistance given to humans for their regeneration or sanctification.  Other definitions include: approval, favor, mercy, pardon, an act of kindness, courtesy or clemency.  Y'all life is all about grace.  Grace will change. your. life.  The more you give, the more you receive.  Give grace to your husband who is driving you absolutely nuts because he doesn't "get it".  Give grace to your kids who are making the most monstrous mess because they are playing and learning.  Give grace to bad drivers on the road because they're lost or in a hurry.  Give grace to that estranged family member because their communication style is so different from yours.  Give grace to yourself.  TO YOURSELF.  Don't hold yourself to the ridiculous standards that other people have for you or that you think you need to be held to.  Give yourself grace for being late, for staying in your pjs all day, for just needing a damn minute away, for wanting more, for wanting less, for IT ALL.  Just picture a day with nothing but grace given.  Grace is love.  Love is grace.

There's a beauty that comes with age.  That beauty is skin deep and soul deep.  The lines on my face show that I've been very expressive in my life and laughed and smiled a lot.  The spots on my face show that I grew up out in the sunshine on the beautiful beaches in Florida.  The aging of our bodies can been tough to swallow.  I try to combat it every day with products and a good lifestyle.  I also try to embrace the beauty in it.  Then, aging gets deep down in your soul, too.  The older you get, the more you learn.  The more years you have under your belt means the more time you've had to soak in what this beautiful world of ours has to offer.  Are you seeing the beauty of our world or are you spending it behind a computer screen working your life away?  Is the work you're doing worth it?  Is the money, title, office you're working towards worth it?  Research shows that more money does not bring happiness.  In fact, the "happiest" income for a family of four is $70,000 a year.  Anything over that does not substantially raise your happiness levels.  So, go explore.  Find the beauty in things and places and people who you may not notice in your everyday walk through life.  It deepens, broadens and opens your soul.  And thus, more grace.  

We have so many changes coming up in our family and it can be scary and I can choose to either morph into "Control Freak Chrissi" or relax a bit and become "Laissez Fair Chrissi".  I'm a Gemini and truly have each of those versions of myself in me.  I'd love to say that I'll take the second approach but I really never can tell until I'm faced with an impending change or challenge.  Our lifestyle, our family time, the way we make money, how much we make, and our entire life is about to change in the next few months.  The changes and challenges may age us but they also bring new depth and breadth to our story.  

I can't wait to see how deep and wide that story gets throughout our lives.  This is aging.  It's beautiful.  

Am I being politically correct or just kind and empathetic?

Growing up in the South, I went to a Baptist church.  I think about 99 percent of my relatives are conservative.  I went to a high school with a very conservative, Christian student body.  You'd think I would have jumped on that train pretty early on.  But, there was always something I saw in the background.  Something that just never really felt quite right for me.  So, I never got comfortable with Christianity or, frankly, being a republican.  Yes, I know the two are not necessarily tied together.  But, in my experience, a lot of places somewhat expect them to be.  

I think a lot of the not "quite right" feeling came from hypocrisy I saw in high school.  The same folks that I'd be partying with on the weekends (yes, I was a rebel), were the folks leading Fellowship of Christian Athletes on Tuesday mornings by the flag pole.  They'd be the ones spreading the most gossip and making fun of people as we walked through the halls.  Did other people do this?  Abso-freakin-lutely.  But, those other people weren't preaching the word of God two hours beforehand.  

So, there was that.  As I've gotten older, I'm still not 100 percent comfortable with being a Christian.  It still feels a little weird to me.  Like maybe I don't belong quite yet.  But, I'm on the journey to learning more about it.  We've joined a church here in Texas.  It's a nondenominational church and we actually really, really love it.  Christian and I both describe it like we're sitting in a college theology course.  We learn a LOT.  I've also described the pastor as being a "teacher not a preacher".  I need that.  I need to learn what this is all about.  I want to be able to teach my kids about the most popular religion in our culture.  It makes the most sense for us.  So yes, we love our church and are so thankful to have found a place that teaches on topic such as The Golden Rule and how people using the word "blessed" really are missing the point most of the time.  I told my cousin the other day that this church really makes me feel like I belong.  Like I really am as good of a person as I think I am (and I think I'm a pretty damn good person).  That is NOT what I've ever expected from a church.  So, thank you Texas (and Hillside Community Church) (and Kelli and Matt for inviting us).  

The first service we went to, our pastor was telling about his recent trip to northern Iraq where he worked with refugees from the war stricken areas in that region.  The second service, he got back to his normal teachings.  He has been focusing on the book of Mark for a while now.  But, on that day that we were there, he taught on Mark 12, Verses 28-34.  Here is that scripture:

The Greatest Commandment

28 One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, “Of all the commandments, which is the most important?”

29 “The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.[a] 30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’[b] 31 The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[c] There is no commandment greater than these.”

32 “Well said, teacher,” the man replied. “You are right in saying that God is one and there is no other but him. 33 To love him with all your heart, with all your understanding and with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices.”

³⁴ When Jesus saw that he had answered wisely, he said to him, “You are not far from the kingdom of God.” And from then on no one dared ask him any more questions.

Well, hot dog.  I can totally get on board with this, I thought.  The Golden Rule.  Something I have always tried to live by.... even without the Bible telling me so.  So, what has happened to this?  Why have we as a society, as a religion, gone so far from this?  And when did this right here get labeled as political correctness?  

My Facebook newsfeed is latent with political post this season.  Some are OK and some are just downright despicable.  Like make my heart race kind of despicable.  In the last couple days, a hot topic has been the recent announcement of Target's inclusion policy stating that a transgendered person can use the restroom of whatever sex they identify with.  Well, there are many people totally up in arms about this policy.  Mind you, from what I've read/researched, Target has never had a formal policy, aside from the men/women signs outside the bathrooms, that restricted anyone from entering those restrooms.  

People are saying that this new policy is putting women and children at risk.  That it is only going to cause more harm than good.  That it's totally disrespectful.  That this is now an open door policy for any pervert to just slap on a dress and waltz right into the ladies room and molest someone.  

I.  DON'T. GET.  IT.  Honestly.  I don't.  I have two small children.  They are probably a prime target to some really demented person on this planet.  But, I know that.  And I take certain precautions to protect my offspring.  And from my experience, all the restrooms that I've be in have separate stalls with walls that "protect" you from other people.  And, never mind the fact that we've all probably peed next to a trans person at one point or another in our life.  Is there some statistical research that states that transgendered individuals are more likely to be pedafiles?  Am I really missing something here?  If I am, PLEASE set me straight.  

Here's what I really don't understand.  How can a decent human being be so down right hateful and un-empathetic to another human being.  Call me politically correct but people deserve respect.  People deserve kindness.  People deserve to be loved the same way you love yourself.  Jesus even said so.  

I posted a video to Facebook earlier of this redneck guy making all the points that I have thought.  He did it with MUCH more vulgar language than I would have ever used but he certainly made the point.    

I don't understand the fear.  I don't understand the hate.  Why not just use the southern saying "bless their hearts" and move on about your day?  Why be scared?  People back in the 1950s were scared of using the same bathroom as a black person.  Look where we are today.  

And think about this.  What if your kid grows up to be labeled as "different" in our society.  How would you want them to be treated?  Would you want people to be scared of them?  Would you want people to think they are going to rape someone, molest someone, video tape someone?  This is kind of what hits home so hard for me.  As a mother, I cannot imagine someone treating my children the way some of these minority groups are being treated.  The blacks, the hispanics, the gays, the transgendered, the Muslims.  I just can't imagine.  What has happened to our empathy for our fellow brothers and sisters in the human race.  What happened to taking a proverbial walk in their shoes?  They all have reasons to feel different.  They have been treated differently for years and years. We can't just ignore that and say everything inclusive is just political correctness gone awry.  There are certainly some folks to stretch the gravy train a bit.  But, in general, these cries for inclusion are well warranted.  There is no denying that.  The only way you can deny it is if you've never been "different".  

And then think about this.  What if your kids grows up perfectly normal.  But, he/she loves the world and everyone in it?  Wouldn't that be beautiful?  That's what I hope for in my kids.  I hope they know to be inclusive.  To be kind.  To be humble.  To be grateful.  Because that is what good is.  THAT is what we need.  A little empathy.

It's not political correctness.  It's being kind.  

When Christmas Doesn't Start Out Very Merry

I'm not sure what it was...

... maybe the Christmas full moon.
... maybe the three night wakings Lydia had last night.
... maybe the winey/"won't let momma put me down" baby she woke up as this morning.
... maybe the constant excitement that IS Christmas morning.
... maybe it was the Devil trying to get into this day.

Not sure.  But, SOMETHING put me in a horrid funk this morning.  I didn't want to be around anyone.  Maybe Christmas Eve was just too perfect and my expectations for Christmas morning were too high.  But, being in a bad mood made me feel horribly guilty because I have so much to be thankful for.  But, I just wanted to go to my closet and hide with my coffee (before it was reheated three times).

Finally, around 10am, Lydia took her first nap.  I decided to go for a run to pump some endorphins in my body and sweat the shitty attitude out of me!  As I was walking to my starting point, I got my Pandora all set up.  I love running to either a Kenny Chesney station or a Darius Rucker station.  They seem to be upbeat and happy songs.  Well, the first song that came on as I pressed play and started to run was Darius Ruckers "It Won't Be Like This For Long".  If you've never heard it, it's about each season in your life and how they don't last forever.  Y'all, it took every single thing in me to not crumble up in a ball on the sidewalk and cry my eyes out.  I mean, I literally had to stop running just so I could catch my breath from trying to avoid the ugly cry.  A couple tears escaped but I mustered up the courage to continue my run and continue listening to the song.  It shocked me back into shape and made me realize that, like my momma always said, "this too shall pass".

I'll be the first mom to admit that I really don't like the baby phase.  I don't know exactly what it is about this particular phase but sweet holy Moses, I just do NOT enjoy it.  I try.  I really do.  But, just like when Max was a baby, it's just a tough stage of motherhood.  The constant demands are hard.  And Lydia is a SUPER demanding kiddo.  She's still nursing and refuses any other kind of milk.  She isn't a great eater.  She's super impatient and doesn't sleep all that well.  She whines a lot and is a momma's girl to a fault.  She's beautiful and has moments that will just melt a momma's heart.  But, damn, I wish that girl would go to someone other than me.  I'm NOT one of those moms who says they "secretly love" that their baby won't go to anyone else.  Hell-to-the-no, I would LOVE if Lydia would even willingly go to my husband on a regular basis.  Purely exhausting.  But, like the song said, it won't be like this for long.

Isn't it crazy how things happen sometimes?  I swear, it was a total God thing this morning.  I silently prayed probably three times as Lydia was hanging off of me crying this morning at one point or another.  I prayed for strength and patience.  I prayed that she would feel better (she's been a little sick).  Then that song came on.  It was a slap in the face that I needed on this Christmas day.  "Suck it up, buttercup", is what I was being told.  Some days, I don't want to suck it up and I let my feelings just be.  Other days, like today, days that are all about love and family, I absolutely need to suck it up.

So, off I go to enjoy the rest of my Christmas and realize that even this mood "won't be like this for long".

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Let's talk politics, shall we?

Someone once told me, "when you have kids, you'll really start to care about politics".  Well, that just didn't happen.  Actually, the opposite happened.  Politics in our country and culture is very unattractive to me.  Frankly, the "practice" of politics just annoys the shit out of me.  And what that person said to me couldn't be further from the truth for me as a mother.  I now care much less about politics and I hope and pray my children stay far away from it.  It's mean, judgmental, condescending,  and just flat out childish in our society.  I mean, really, take a look at almost any major politician and their daily/monthly/yearly actions and ask yourself if that's how you'd want your children to act.  My answer to that is a resounding HELL TO THE NO.  The blaming, the name-calling, the bashing... nope, just NOPE.

But, here's the thing.  I see the good in people.  I think most people are full of goodness.  So, because of this, I know a lot of what we perceive is manipulated to make us believe a certain way.  The partisan news networks are a joke and are a shame.  I really do think Barack Obama, George W., Hillary, and Ben Carson are all probably really good people and have family and friends who love the hell out of them.  And just like you and me, they have issues and they have beliefs that they are passionate about.  It takes a strong person to put himself/herself through the brutal backlash that comes with simply expressing his/her beliefs.  Can you imagine?  I would be ripped to shreds.  I care too much what people think about me.  I want to be liked.  You can't want to be liked too much if you're a politician because, simply, you won't be liked by everyone.

So, compassion.  As we embark on yet another election year, Facebook showed me one of my previous posts in it's memories feature the other day.  It was a post I made after Christian and I watched the documentary "Bully".  Here's the post that popped up:

Just finished watching the documentary "Bully". Absolutely heart wrenching as a mom. Raise your kids right, people. Be the good you wish to see in the world. Your kids, no matter how old they are, see what you do and will learn from that. When we, as parents, talk negatively about neighbors, other races, other political parties, etc., we feed into this culture. Be good, do good... 

It hit me again when I read it because of how true those words are that I wrote.

My cousin and I were talking the other day about our older boys (3 and 4 years old) and how perfectly innocent their thought processes are.  They don't see color, class, labels, or who someone votes for.  I wish everyone had the innocence of a child.  At what point do their precious minds become so corrupted with the dirty world we live in?  As a momma, I want to shelter my sweet, precious babies from all the mean spirits in the world.  I know that's not realistic and I know they will learn mean things in school from other children who have witnessed their parents or other people be mean.

Merriam Webster Dictionary defines the word mean as "characterized by petty selfishness or malice".  Think about that for a minute.  Are you MEAN?  In your most private setting, are you mean?  When you and your husband or wife are talking, are you bashing another ethnic group, political group as a whole, or even a friend?  I have done all of the above.  To your kids, are you mean?  I definitely act in petty selfishness when I just want a freaking break and I snap at my kids or my husband.

But, thank the sweet Lord that I was raised with compassion and grace in my soul.  I don't ever recall a moment in my childhood when either of my parents were talking negatively about anyone, any group, any race.  I am so, so, so thankful for that.  They probably did say mean things.  We're all human.  But, they didn't let me hear it.  Now, as an adult, I have certainly heard some of the mean things that cross their minds and ultimately their lips.  It's a bit of shock.  It's always a bit of a shock when you realize that your parents are more than just your parents.  That they're real people who have their own beliefs and issues.  I can imagine that is something that's a bit of a shock for a parent as well... when you realize your kids are actual humans with their own minds and thought processes.  I'm sure some of my beliefs (or my mouth of a sailor) don't make my parents super proud.  But, que sera sera.  YOLO.  Whatev.

There are so many recent occurrences running across the news tickers that heighten our senses to the nastiness in our world.  The 2016 election, the Black Lives Matter or All Lives Matter or Blue Lives Matter, the Planned Parenthood, the Clinton emails, the Mommy Wars, even the damn Kardashians are starting debates.  And social media allows a shield of anonymity in our society that perpetuates this nastiness.  If you go to any major news story and scroll through the comments, you'll see how that invisible shield makes people so damn powerful with their words.  What the folks behind those shields don't process is this; the person/story/group/idea that they are shaming has a true soul behind it.  Now, I'm not talking about telling some rapist murderer to go to hell.  Because, by all means, go to hell.  I'm talking about something as simple as bashing a person for the way they look or how they chose to worship or how they chose to raise their children or how they chose to live in this world.

Have some fucking compassion, damnit (Yes, that's me being passionate and that's how I would speak if I was speaking to a close friend, friends.  Again, I would not make a good politician.).

I'm tired of my kids being raised in a world lacking simple compassion.  When I see someone close to me bash a telemarketer or a store clerk, it hurts my heart.  They are people, too.  If someone is rude to you or has a shitty attitude while they serve you, what better reason to NOT BE A DICK.  Grace.  Show some grace and show those folks that there is good in the world.  Like I said in that post above from a couple years ago, be the good you wish to see in the world.  We are a HUMAN RACE and all children of our higher being.  Treat these humans you meet like they are your brothers/sisters... but only if you're kind to your siblings.  Duh.

Back to me seeing the good in people... I live in Texas now.  By God, this place really reminds you that there is good in this world.  I was told that Texas will get in your blood and it certainly has.  Being from the South, I know people are sweet down here.  But, Texas sweetness is on another level... for me... a white, married woman with two adorable kids.  I know for other people, this may not be the nicest place.  But, I will do my part in the world to be "Texas friendly" and show compassion, GRACE, and love.

I used to say my favorite word was clever.  I don't know why.  I've just always loved that word.  It think it sounds neat and I like clever people.  But now, since I've become a mom and I've grown into a real woman, my favorite word is grace.  Grace is defined as "a divine favor bestowed freely on people".  Wow.  Isn't that a beautiful word?  Grace to ourselves and grace to others.  Pure magic.

Grace and compassion could cure the world.

#Chrissi2016

How I manage... most days.

When Christian and I first met, I had a one bedroom apartment and lived alone.  I had been living alone for about five years at that point.  I had one roommate, my brother, for a brief time but living alone was my thing.  I loved it.  I think one thing I loved most about it was the fact that I didn't have to answer to anyone else about the pile of clothes next to my bed or the stray dishes in the sink.  I was a young twenty-something who went to school full time, worked full time and had quite the social life.  Ain't nobody got time to clean when all that stuff is happening!

Then, Christian and I decided to move in together.  Well, technically, I moved into his house.  He was a thirty-something, type-A Navy Pilot.  He screams order and cleanliness.  The military just effs with people like that.  Needless to say, that transition was quite tough.  Seven years later, it's still tough.  He's still nitpicky and particular.  But, I've figured out ways to get my shit together and maintain a relatively neat and orderly home.  I no longer go to school full time, I no longer work full time and I certainly don't have much of a social life.  So, I should have all the time in the world to maintain a clean house, right?  Well, there are these two little tornados I live with.  One is named Max and the other is named Lydia.  They take just about 95 percent of my time and the other five percent, I try to have a cup of hot tea and re-freakin'-lax for a damn minute.  So, here's what I've done.  I became all Pinterest Princess and made a cleaning schedule.  I know, I know... what a crazy person.  But, it helps.  Big time.  I've been following it for about two years now and it really helps me stay on top of those mundane tasks such as cleaning the bathroom floors or dusting the living room.  Our sheets are always clean, laundry has it's day and there are no rotting vegetables in the bottom drawer of the fridge.  So, as we ease into the school year and we're all on that organization bandwagon, I figured I'd share how we do things 'round here.  Here's my most recent cleaning schedule that is tacked up on my little bulletin board right now.

So, you'll notice on Sunday, I have "meal plan" as one of my tasks.  Meal planning is another thing that makes our life easier and really saves time and money.  And frankly, it makes me feel like I've got my shit together.  Every Sunday, I sit down with my planner (I have the Simplified Planner by Emily Ley and love it!) and write down what we'll have for dinner each night that coming week and then I make my grocery list accordingly, adding any additional items like snacks, condiments that we've run out of, etc.  Having just moved to a new town, I'm not super familiar with the layout of all of the grocery stores we have so I've just recently created a grocery list template that allows me to separate my needed items by section of the store so I'm not bebopping around trying to find stuff and taking forever.  Here's my grocery list template that I print off and write in each Sunday.   It's simple but it helps!                               

             

Well, I hope someone enjoys this little tidbit.  Enjoy the woooosaaahhhh and maybe a glass (or bottle) of wine using the time this saves you.  ;-)

Five to one.

A few nights ago, Christian and I were watching the show Undercover Boss.  It's a little cheesy but, it's a feel good show, none-the-less.  Anyway, we watched the one where the CEO of Checker's (fast food restaurant) was the "undercover boss".  If you're unfamiliar with this show, here's what typically happens:  the big boss of whatever company goes undercover/in disguise to several different locations of the business and acts like a trainee.  He or she meets the every-day employees of the company and learns the ins and outs of the front lines.  At the end, that big boss sits down with those few employees individually and tells them how much they each mean to the company and usually rewards them in some monetary way.

So, for obvious reasons, the end of the show is my favorite part.  It's the most "feel good" part.  It's the part that gave me somewhat of an "ah hah" moment (yes, that's an Oprah reference) that night.  The show proves how important validation and expressed appreciation is.  That's why we do most things.  We want to be liked, to be appreciated, to be validated in our feelings.   I am certainly no stranger to needing appreciation and validation.  Words of Affirmation is my Love Language.  It's been a black mark in my marriage because, frankly, it's not my husband's Love Language.  So, we struggle.  I feel unappreciated and then I become resentful.  Fortunately, I've learned how and when to communicate my frustrations (sometimes I'm a little more eloquent and thoughtful when expressing those feelings and sometimes, like recently, I'm a bitch.  Whatever...).

In the show Undercover Boss, just about every employee the big boss talks to at the end starts crying immediately when they are told how much they mean to the company, to the customers, to the other employees, to the mission.  This is all wayyyy before any monetary reward is presented.  The money is just kind of the icing on the cake.  Like, "you're rocking the shit out of your job... all the stress you endure every day and how you try to appease everyone and how much effort you put into making sure the caulking on these shower doors is perfect... yeah, rockin' that shit... oh, and by the way, we're going to pay off your mortgage".  Um, what?!  Yeah, I'm just about in tears every single time.

So think back to a time when someone has really, truly told you how much they appreciate you.  It doesn't take much for a word of affirmation to affect me.  When someone tells me "you're a great mom", I get chills and sometimes I tear up... and sometimes I cry.  It depends on the day and how many times I've questioned my parenting abilities.  Telling people they're really good at what they have an intense passion for can be potentially life changing and über helpful in the day-to-day monotony.  Thanking someone for cooking your dinner, expressing to your spouse how much you appreciate them filling your gas tank, leaving a note on the receipt at a restaurant telling the waiter how great the service was... these things have meaning, a lot of meaning.

Before having kids, when I was working for a consulting firm, they had a wonderful work environment.  They really preached the power of positive affirmation.  They taught the five to one ratio.  For every negative comment or criticism, there need to be five positive comments/affirmations.  I did a little bit of research on this and found a few stand out points:

- When discussing how children in classrooms thrived when the ratio was five parts positive feedback to one part corrective feedback:  as the positive sank to two parts to one part corrective, and further 1:1, the children's attitude was described as despairing. They also recognized that praise is particularly effective in enhancing learning if it is base on truth.

- It was noted in several studies that marriages were considerably more stable if there were five times as many positive feelings and interactions between husband and wife than negative.

- When discussing a study where two bowling teams watched a video playback of their games.  One team had a video that was edited to show only their mistakes, the other showed good performances.  Researchers concluded that focusing on the positive helps us to tap into creativity, passion and the desire to succeed and that focusing on the errors was seen to generate feelings of fatigue, blame and resistance.

Now, let's not all go tallying our conversations with our kids and spouses (ain't nobody got time for that).  But, start to think about it a bit.  For me, the hard thing is practicing what I preach.  While my husband's love language is not words of affirmation, if I start expressing my appreciation of the every day things he does, that will most likely enhance the amount of appreciation I receive from him.  If it doesn't, then I totally have a reason to be the aforementioned bitch, right?  ha!

Well, ok, so you know how when we're raising little ones and when we want them to learn how to do the right thing, whether that be potty training or cleaning up after themselves or finishing their dinner, we tell them what a great, super, fabulous job they've done?  Why the hell does that have to stop with adults?  I'm saying all of this as in, "why the hell did it have to stop with me?!".  I need affirmation.  I need appreciation.  I know I'm the shit.  I just need to hear it from someone else too.  This is certainly not a self esteem issue for me, personally.  I have never had any self esteem issues... I'm cocky and I get that from my dad.  I know I'm pretty awesome.  But, I need those who love me to tell me that I'm awesome.  I'm smirking as I type this because I know all of that sounds absurd to some people but it's the truth.

Being a mom is a pretty thankless job.  Your little ones whine and cry a lot of the day and need you every second.  They suck the life out of you (literally in my case with breastfeeding).  And until they're around 3 or 4 years old, they don't really understand the concept of saying thank you.  Luckily, Max has learned that he is supposed to thank whoever prepared a meal for him.  So, I get that just about every day and for that, I'm fortunate.  But otherwise, I don't think kids really wise-up as to how important their mother (and/or father) is in their life until they have children of their own.  I'm 30 years old now and just within the last five years I've started realizing the sacrifices my parents made for me, especially my mom.  Throughout life, the things they gave up on or decided just flat out weren't good ideas because of the kids really mount up.  And, as a parent now, it's easy to see how you can kind of let yourself go for the sake of your kids.  For me, I have to find a balance in those decisions.  I don't do well when I start to lose myself.  That's when I start researching therapists because I think i'm losing my effing mind (and yes, I should probably be seeing a therapist anyway but that's not high enough on my priority list right now).

But, all jokes aside, in the end, when you feel appreciated, whether by a child or by a spouse or a friend, for the things that drive you mad, that's just flat out special.  Like really, really special.  Go and love the world, my people.

"I can live for two months on a good compliment."  -Mark Twain

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One. More. Week.

We have one week until the movers pack up our stuff and take it down to Texas.  One week.  One week left in the region that has totally changed me as a person- as a woman.  I'm not sure if it has hit me yet.  I'm trying to soak it all in but it's a lot.  These last five years have been good and they've also been hard.  They've been heavy and I'm ready for that weight to be lifted.

In 2010, we got married and moved 1100 miles away from the place I called home for 24.5 years.  I was thrust into a life that I really knew nothing about.  I was now a wife, a NAVY WIFE, in a big city where I knew no one.  At that point, I was so excited about life.  I loved every minute of our new adventures.  I joined the Junior League of Philadelphia, made new friends, golfed, volunteered, cooked, worked out daily, traveled the world and really enjoyed life.  The first two years we were here were filled with a lot of joy.  Christian was gone a lot and I missed Florida and my family a lot but I was making the best of the situation, for sure.  After about 10 months, we decided to move from north of Philly over to New Jersey to be closer to the new base where Christian would fly out of.

I got pregnant with Max during our second year here after about a year of trying.  We were so excited to expand our family and take on this next phase of life.  It was a wonderful time.  I loved being pregnant.  I felt amazing!  He made his way into the world after about 30 hours of hard labor.  I don't really remember a lot of the moments right after he was born just because I was purely exhausted.  Becoming a mom was amazing and scary and beautiful and HARD.  I was never a baby sitter, I never had babies around when I was growing up.  I really don't think I had ever changed a diaper before the nurse at the hospital asked me if I had changed his diaper yet and I said "oh, no... I guess I didn't even think about that".  Three weeks after Max was born, Christian left on a detachment.  I was pretty weepy, emotional and lost.  I figured it was all the hormones just coming out and everything would even out eventually.  Then, I kept reading that if you continue to feel "baby blues" past a couple weeks, seek help.  Well, I never did.  I figured this was just how everyone feels.  It's hard and my situation with my husband leaving made it harder so I just needed to suck it up and deal with it.  Boy, I wish I knew better.  I didn't start to really feel better for about four months.  I cried a lot.  I wondered why I wasn't enjoying the moment and saying "this is the best thing that has ever happened to me".  It wasn't.  I loved this little human that I created but damn, I wanted my old life back.  Luckily, the (post partum) depression subsided and I started enjoying life a little more.

When Max was about a year old, we were waiting on our next set of orders and I prayed HARD that they would take us back down South and closer to family.  They say it takes a village to raise children and, man alive, I wanted my village.  But, the orders I hoped for never came and Christian found out the he was extended here and we'd be here another two years.  What a blow.  I felt like I was punched in the gut with that one.  It took me about a week or two to get over that and just suck it up.  So, we decided if we were going to stay here, we needed to be in an area where I would have more of a support system and be around folks who would understand our lifestyle.  That's when we decided to move into base housing.  So, we packed up our house in May, put everything we owned in storage, Max and I went to Florida for about two months and Christian went to Japan.  When he got back, we headed back to NJ and moved into our new home in base housing.  We couldn't have gotten any luckier with the house and neighbors we got.  Lydia was born last fall and she just kind of slid right into our little life here.  My labor and delivery with her was a piece of cake and she has been a relatively easy baby from the get-go.  And I have been MUCH more emotionally well post partum.  She doesn't sleep all that well but I would question if they accidentally gave me the wrong baby if she did sleep well.  My kids just suck at sleeping.  They get it from their father who has never-ending energy.

It has been a pure blessing.  I will miss this street so much.  I will miss my sweet neighbors even more.  But, this is the military life.  We make fast friends and then at some point, we have to say our goodbyes.  Luckily, technology today helps us feel a little more connected even when we move to different areas of the country.  Thank goodness for that.

All of that being said, these five years have changed me.  I'm not the young twenty-something I used to be.  I have aged, I feel like I've dug through the trenches of depression (both post partum and situational depression), I've watched my kids play with tears in my eyes because I love them so damn much, I've struggled with loneliness during the times my husband was gone overseas and even some times while he was in the same house because it takes a while to feel connected again after not seeing each other for weeks.  It's been hard.  But it has also made me stronger.  I've been pushed to my limits, I've craved a familiar face, I've longed to feel like I was at home.

Moving to Texas still isn't home.  But, it's closer.  And it's the South.  I'm hoping I won't feel so much like the odd man out there.  My expectations are high but I hope they aren't too high.  They're high for our new lifestyle since Christian doesn't HAVE to fly. They're high for our marriage since we will have some consistency.  They're high my for sanity since I'll have a chance to focus on doing things for myself and not having to find a babysitter if my husband has to suddenly leave in two days.  They're high for my children since they won't have to deal with dad being gone for six weeks at a time.

I'm ready and excited for this next phase.  We have two years until Christian retires from the Navy.  That brings on a whole new set of changes and I'm ready for that, too.

So, bring it all on....

It's ALL RIGHT

What if, when we are asked how things are going, instead of saying “It’s alright”, we say “It’s all right”?  Wow.  Think about that for a moment and what a profound difference it could have on ev-er-y-thing.  Now, I’m not a very religious person… I don’t understand a lot about God’s word.  But I’m guessing this is similar to what religious folk mean when they say that it’s all in God’s plan.  

Sometimes, it’s damn hard to recognize that everything happening in your life is shaping and molding the person you are and that those things are happening for a reason.  I often think back to things that happened to me when I was younger and know for a fact that I would not be the person I am today without those things.  For better or worse.  I’m a strong, independent, funny, honest, kind, sensitive person.  I am those things because I was raised by one of the strongest single moms in the world who dealt with unimaginable tragedies while raising a teenage girl, because my dad was silly and danced while singing “your momma don’t dance and your daddy loves rock-n-roll” to wake me up on the weekends I spent with him, because my grandmother is honest to a fault and because I’ve known what it feels like when people aren’t kind.  But, it’s all right.  It’s all exactly the right stuff that transforms me into each phase of life.  

I’ll be thirty this summer and while I don’t love everything about my life, everything is really all right for this phase.  I have two beautiful children and a loving husband.  Those children keep me on my toes and don’t allow my mind to ever quit.  And that husband drives me up the wall sometimes and is gone way too often as he serves our country.  I often ask myself “where the hell has Chrissi gone” but I know that at this phase in my life, that is all right.  As a momma, I’m supposed to sacrifice for my small children.  As a Navy wife, I’m supposed to have these feelings because I chose to follow my husband’s career and keep the candle burning at home.  Of course, realizing those things don’t make it any easier to deal with though.  So, even realizing that everything is ALL RIGHT, it’s my duty to myself and my soul to make it FEEL ALL RIGHT.  

And that’s where it’s starts to get a little blurry.  How do I focus on myself when the big kid needs his milk cup filled up one.more.time, or when the baby is waking up every three hours at night, or when the husband comes home and the first thing out of his mouth is “what’s for dinner”?  Honestly, I have no idea.  But, I know that’s all right.  It’s a common struggle for moms.  For wives.  For women.  We do it all for others and often forget about ourselves.  As we service others, we are doing a disservice to ourselves.  So, let’s make a little pact with each other, ladies.  Even if we don’t actually do anything for ourselves, let’s all just recognize that it’s alright to need it.  And that could really make things ALL RIGHT.  

photo cred: thatkindofwoman.tumblr.com

Writing for me.

When I used to have all the time in the world, I wrote.  I would write letters, emails, stories, I had a poem published when I was much younger and I even tried my hand at song writing.  Writing has always been a form of release for me.  Nowadays, when I write, it’s usually an angry email being sent to my husband who is overseas because Skype isn’t working well enough for me to effectively express my anguish for this God-forsaken military lifestyle.  Obviously, I need more of an outlet.  Thus, I’m starting to write for leisure again.  With two small children now in the house, I haven’t had time or energy to write for myself in over a year but the time has come for me to take on the challenge again.  I love to write and I miss it.  I miss that my mind gets taken on a little vacation when I’m writing.  

My husband returned a couple weeks ago from about two months overseas and sent me out for a massage and facial at a fabulous spa.  As I laid there on the massage table and then to get a facial, my mind WOULD NOT STOP and that pissed me off.  My mind needed a vacation.  I was the sole provider of my children's well being for those last two months and I was mentally and physically exhausted.  I made it through it but I was scarred and I let myself get that way.  I knew I had to do something to bring myself back to me.  Writing is that something.  Now, would I love for my writing to take me far beyond this little desk I sit at right now?  Absolutely.  If writing ever turned lucrative for me, that would be the sugar sweet icing on my chocolate cake!  But, for now, it’s my outlet, my exhale after too many deep breaths.  

So, if you’d like, enjoy my little musings.  They should be full of honesty, love, some bitching, maybe a few too many cuss words, and pure, unfiltered life.  

I'm back... here goes nothin' (or everything)

So, it's been over a year since I've posted on my blog site.  Wow.  I logged in about a month ago with all intentions to start writing again.  I got intimidated, the kids woke up, I needed a snack or something else pulled me away from actually writing.  But, tonight the kids are in bed, my tummy is full and I have a glass of courage called wine sitting next to me.

Today, I bought my first domain name (www.chrissijenkins.com), created my first website and started writing again.  I need it.  So badly.  I need an outlet.  I read articles all the time and think "YES!  I feel this way!  I could have written this!"  So, no more of that.  If I feel a certain way, I will write about it.  I will be the one who people relate to.  Maybe I'll be just another "mommy blogger" but it makes me feel good and it's my thing.  It's my zone.... my me time.

So, I'm back and I'm prepared to be as open as I ever have been because that's what we all deserve.  We all need the comfort of being honest with ourselves and others about our feelings.  Life is not all lollipops and unicorns.  And sometimes it's all that and even more!  So, I'd love for you to read along as I keep "Experiencing LIFE, One Day at a Time".